Em Mitchell

Wee Rants

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Gabriela Kulka - "London Calling" (The Clash cover)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lq3wwwZgtAI

London is rioting over the police killing a black fellow. The peaceful protests got hijacked, fwiu. Pity people don't think about who they're hurting.

edit: Boston - The Big Picture

http://www.boston.com/bigpictu...08/london_riots.html

WTF Britain? and they're holding the upcoming olympics...

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Heh, it's true that there are certain situations where it will be very nice to be able to say I'm 20 - it does sound a whole lot older than 19! I think people have always taken me for older than I actually am and they tend to be surprised when they hear my actual age. The general problem here must be that I'm dead afraid of time. I feel like it just goes past me and I stand by, completely unable to do anything that would matter or that anyone would even remember a year later. I feel like I should have found my passion by now, I should know what I want and be working to get there. I don't want be famous or anything like that, but I'm desperate to do something that matters. I want my existence to make a difference, I want a purpose. Right now I feel like I'm just drifting, not quite happy with my life but unable to change it for the better. I guess I'm little young to worry about these kinds of things, but the thought of wasting my life terrifyes me.

Also - I think I'm getting awkwardly personal here, sorry - I have never had a real relationship in my life, and this situation bothers me more and more as I get older. I want to find someone, I want it so much, but already the thought of being twenty and having to tell someone that he's my first boyfriend makes me panic. By now, I really feel like there's something wrong with me. I get embarrased whenever I have to discuss about people's love lives. One by one, my friends move on to this world of stable relationships and I'm the one who's left behind. They move on to real adulthood and I stay on the verge, longing to either go back or move forward, to do anything but be here and now.

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rainna-

Don't be so hard on yourself. And certainly don't force anything. When the time is right everything will fall in to place.

I understand you feel out of place by not having been in a relationship yet. But in the realm of things you really have so much more life ahead of you. When you look back later this will seem like a small blip...believe me.

As far as telling someone they are your first boyfriend, if he is the right person he will be just fine with it. If he isn't fine with it, then he isn't the one and you can say bye bye!

20 is young. You are at a major crossroad though. Be patient ( I know it's hard ) and good things will happen to you because you are a good person. This I can promise you. Cool

and the more I think about it...there is no written rule that says you MUST say "you are my first"...

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You may hate hearing this same drivel from older people, but I'm 48 and want so bad to tease you about the 20 thing, But I wont. Smiler BUT I do remember 20 and it was weird not being in my teens anymore. Now of course, 20 to me seems like teenager, but it didn't then, and that's the point. Remember that you are one person. You can't single handedly change the world. But you can surely make a difference in people close to you. Just always be friendly and loving and humble. Greet people, always smile, give people the benefit of the doubt. Always forgive and always admit mistakes. Be cautious, but be trusting at the same time. Find a good balance between the two. I had a friend that used to be so negative about people. Whenever we'd go out, I used to pump him up by telling him that no matter who we meet tonight and no matter how they treat you, be kindly and nice and let certain things go and just watch what a great night you'll have. What's funny is that when he tried all that, he was better at it than I was. I can't even tell you all the strangers he got to love him when he was on a roll.

Anyway, I could say a billion other things, but take it from an oldster when I say that LOVE is what gets you good jobs and friends and mates and peace and a satisfying future.

I have some God feelings, but I think that's a little too controversial. Smiler

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quote:
Originally posted by rainna:

Heh, it's true that there are certain situations where it will be very nice to be able to say I'm 20 - it does sound a whole lot older than 19! I think people have always taken me for older than I actually am and they tend to be surprised when they hear my actual age. The general problem here must be that I'm dead afraid of time. I feel like it just goes past me and I stand by, completely unable to do anything that would matter or that anyone would even remember a year later. I feel like I should have found my passion by now, I should know what I want and be working to get there. I don't want be famous or anything like that, but I'm desperate to do something that matters. I want my existence to make a difference, I want a purpose. Right now I feel like I'm just drifting, not quite happy with my life but unable to change it for the better. I guess I'm little young to worry about these kinds of things, but the thought of wasting my life terrifyes me.

Also - I think I'm getting awkwardly personal here, sorry - I have never had a real relationship in my life, and this situation bothers me more and more as I get older. I want to find someone, I want it so much, but already the thought of being twenty and having to tell someone that he's my first boyfriend makes me panic. By now, I really feel like there's something wrong with me. I get embarrased whenever I have to discuss about people's love lives. One by one, my friends move on to this world of stable relationships and I'm the one who's left behind. They move on to real adulthood and I stay on the verge, longing to either go back or move forward, to do anything but be here and now.

I don't know how much advise I have to give, but... I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with these thoughts. I went through the same thing a couple of years ago. Probably from 15-19 I felt like life just passed me by and I didn't know what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be or how I wanted people to see me. And there were certain thoughts that always came back to me 1. "I don't have a boyfriend and I've never had one and I suck! And everyone I come to like is five years older and don't see me that way!" 2. "I don't know what I want to do in my future or what I want to be or how I'll get there!" It was really frustrating and some times I got quite depressed about it. It was probably the worst at around 18.

Now when I look back I'm glad I didn't go and get myself a boyfriend just to have one. I'm incredibly thankful that I waited (not patiently though, but panicly) and that I was single when I met my boyfriend. Before we started dating I thought that I would regret not having any experience of relationships, and also "Oh no, if he's The One I will only have been together with him my entire life and no one else!" But now it's not that big of a deal. I'm happy he's my first boyfriend, that I don't have any broken realtionships in the past, and so what I didn't know how to be a girlfriend in the beginning of our relationship? People can learn.

The future I still don't know what to do with, but I'm trying to take it one year at a time. My school haven't even started yet, and I'm allready worrying about what I'll do next year when it's over. "Talk about worrying for nothing" I've been told. I don't think so, but I'm trying to not care so much at this point. We'll see. Life will happen either way. And what fun is there in being worried the whole time?

With this long wall of text I just wanted to say that I get you. That I also feel like 20 is almost 30 is almost 40 is almost 90. That it has been worse but is now somewhat better. Just hang in there and hope that you'll look back one day and see how wierdly things just fell into place.

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Thank you guys for all the nice words! Especially to Sweentness for all the peer support. <3 I think my "problem" is that my high school years were such a happy period in my life. The trouble started when I had leave all that behind and face the "real world". My a big part of my indentity was connected to my school and the community I had in there, and I still haven't quite figured out what could replace that part of my identity. I'm in a place where I should build an image of who I am as a grown up, independent person and that image is pretty blurry at the moment. For me, that's very stressful. I don't think that finding a boyfriend would magically solve all these issues, but I do think that it would help to have someone to share all this with. Getting a "relationship-indentity" is also something I would very much like to be able to do.

Hah, too much pseudo-psychological deepness happening in this message already! What I really wanted to say was that I truly appreciate all the support and sympathy. I love this community so much, and it's people like you that make it so great.

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So, my power was knocked out because of the hurricane, and since I live in such a remote location, the earliest I'll probably get my power back is a week from now... I'm bummed... Frowner

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For the past two nights some people in my building have been hanging out in the backyard late at night being incredibly loud. I'm on the sixth floor, and with the windows closed in our bedroom we can hear every word. I don't know if it was the same people last night as the night before (I think the night before it might have been people on a lower balcony) but it's infuriating. Last night at 1am I actually got ticked enough to ask them to be quiet from the window, they retaliated by being louder and at one point I heard them toast "Cheers! Cheers to the chic who slammed the window" or something like that.

Matt had to get up at quarter to five this morning. He ended up sleeping on the beanbag chair in the living room because it's quieter in there.

I just don't understand why after midnight or so, they can't just take their party elsewhere or maybe tone it down a little.

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