Em Mitchell

Wee Rants

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quote:
Originally posted by kaoir:

aww.. Your post makes me so sad rainna. Hopefully by the time you read this, you feel better. *virtual hug*

I don't think your rant is stupid, we are people and we have feelings. And I hope you know that other people can often feel the same as you. There are definitely sad things which happen to you but you shouldn't think everything is wrong. You said you have friends whom you haven't seen in a while but you are scared to contact them. If I can give you an advice, do it. Yesterday I've decided to contact an old friend I met in highschool. I was afraid, I tend to overthink things and I didn't want to know if we were still friends or not. Finally I understood I had nothing to lose and I called her. She was so happy to hear my voice, we talked during two hours and I will see her soon.

We shouldn't let fear control our lives. I may be wrong but I think we have something in common, we are afraid to hurt people and getting hurt. You say you can't fall in love and that there is not that much in you to love, I say I don't need to be loved anymore to be happy. But we are so wrong, fear make us act stupid. You know, life is just so cool sometimes! Very often we are our own worst enemy and I truly believe people can enjoy their lives only if they really want to be happy. Bah. I'm not good to reassure people but I really hope you feel better!

Hear, hear, kaoir.

@rainna That's a shame Frowner I hate that feeling, when you're depressed/in a generally not good mood. Your rant isn't stupid though, it's fine to want to get it out. Your situation does sound sucky, being separated from family and people you love... I hope you can make the best of it. With friends - I've felt that way before hah, a few weeks ago I went to the shops and ran into some good friends who were seeing a movie together, and again a friend was talking about this sleep over they'd planned and they hadn't invited me or whatever. Not really the same as a 5 week trip though.

About contacting your highschool friends, I think you should go for it. Because not getting in touch with them at all might lead to you guys growing apart anyway, if you get what I mean.

Also when you say

quote:
Originally posted by rainna:

There's really not that much in me to love.

do you mean you feel you don't have the capacity to love or there's nothing to love about you? In the case of the latter... I'm sure there's plenty to love about you!! There's your fantastic music taste, just for a start. Wink

Aha sorry I'm not very good at being supportive.

Anyway, you say that you wish you could enjoy your 'relatively easy life'... it seems that way, doesn't it? It seems like what happens to 'first world problem' kind of thing. But you know Anne Frank - she said at some point that it feels silly to be complaining about her life, when there are people who have it much worse, but she realises that even if there are bigger problems or worse things going on the world, it shouldn't belittle how you're feeling or what's happening to you.

And oh wow, kaoir, so even if you've studied for 4 years you still might not get your diploma? Could the study count for any jobs related to marine biology or anything? Fingers crossed for you and your friend. I hope things work out okay.

quote:
Originally posted by kaoir:

Whatever happens, I will try to keep smiling.

That sounds like a good motto.

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quote:
Originally posted by Kateateyou:

And oh wow, kaoir, so even if you've studied for 4 years you still might not get your diploma? Could the study count for any jobs related to marine biology or anything? Fingers crossed for you and your friend. I hope things work out okay.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your support. Smiler

Actually I got my first diploma after I've studied Biology for 3 years. However this diploma doesn't allow me to apply for very interesting jobs. The diploma useful to me is the one you can get after you've studied for 5 years. Usually, after you've studied for 3 years, you are selected and if you pass your exams you should be allowed to continue your studies so that you obtain your last diploma. One of my schoolmates is 25 years old. After he had studied marine biology for 3 years, he left his country and his family to study in France. Now he doesn’t know if he will be selected again. That’s crazy. I don’t want to overact but I really hope everything goes well!

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Riikka! I feel so bad for you. I'm sure a lot of us know how you feel. You are not alone! Sometimes people and circumstances suck. You gotta take control in that relationship with you friends, if they are the same girls you have talked about before. They don't include you. You don't want to bother them? You know, they say they will call but they don't and you don't call them either because they said they would and you end up alone. Either you decide you want to be with them, swallow you're pride and call anyway. See if you do have a good time and hopefully after a while it will feel more natural for them to include you. Or you decide to not care about them anymore. Start hanging out with your old friends again. See if you still have anything in n. I recently got in touch with two old friends from school. Unfortunately they were more interested in themselves and in each other than in me so I don't think I'll call them again. Riikka! There's lots in you to love! You are smart and kind and funny and have intriguing interests; music and language as far as I know. I don't really know the other sides of you yet, but you are articulate and interesting! Don't look down on yourself. I'm sure there are people you don't know of that would like to be just like you. Sometimes we are so blind when it comes to our own qualities. I'm certain you are a lovely person and definitely worthy of love in you're life.

Mikaela! Aouch. I hope you silk feel better soon. It's the worst to bruise the tail bone. You notice it do much when it hurts but almost never when it doesn't. It can take a long time for it to heal. I hope it doesn't for you, so t that you can be back with your horse soon.

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You guys are so kind and sweet, thank you so much! It means a huge deal to me just to be sort of seen and recognised by someone. You wouldn't believe it from the way I post here, but it's so hard for me to bring up my negative emotions with other people, and I'm very glad I that here, I have the kind of community that allows me to do that. Of course it would be productive to talk to the actual people involved as well but I guess I'm just not there yet. I'm afraid to hurt them and put them in an uncomfortable position, and I fear that my feelings are unreasonable and unfair towards them, in which case I would do the wrong thing by confronting them about those feelings and the things that make me feel that way. Bah, it's hard to explain, but that's how my head works. I'm such an overthinker, and also very scared, so your analysis was spot on there, kaoir.

What hurts me the most about this situation with my friends is the fact that they should know better than this (and yes, Emelie, these are the very same friends). They should know me so well, I tell them all the important stuff and they know things about me that no one else in the world knows. I thought they would be the two people who knew that I'm dead afraid of being rejected or abandoned. It makes me upset to think that they might not know me as well as I thought, or they just don't care as much as I though. Both scenarios are painful to me.

Anyway, they're gone now and so they will be for pretty much the rest of the summer, so I have plenty of time to work this out with myself and also find something else to think about. In the end, I'm the biggest part of this problem since I just let people treat me badly and they'll probably never even realise that they have hurt me cause I won't bring it up with them. I can't really expect people to treat me better unless I let them know how I want to be treated, can I? The good news is that I'm messaging with one of my old friends right now! Our lives are very different from each other nowadays, but I'm still glad to hear from her and I really hope there's still something in common.

I swear I wasn't fishing for compliments by ranting about my unlovability, but I still must thank you again for making me feel like I'm an ok person after all. Smiler Usually I am this positive, enjoy-the-small-things-in-life kind of person, but sometimes this attitude just crumbles and leaves me feeling like the most pathetic, uninteresting and unlovable person in the world. I have spent many years of my life re-learning to love myself and convincing myself that other people can love me as well, but I just haven't gotten much loving lately and I hate to see my confidence regressing like this. One good romance is all I would need right now... In case anyone knows where I could find one, please let me know! Big Grin I guess everyone (well, almost) needs someone to appreciate them.

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A wee, wee rant Wink

So. Regina is coming to Australia. In December. My favouritest of all seasons. Christmas. My birthday. Buuuuuuuuuuuut the Sydney show is on a Monday so I most likely can't get there. I was alright at first but now I'm kinda bummed. Sydney's a fair way away and I can't drive on my own yet, so I'd A) have to convince someone to take not one, but two days off (depending on what time the show is I guess.. ahh if it's lateish I'd have to stay overnight) B) It would prob be ridiculously expensive: petrol, tickets, food, (accommodation?) and so on. I feel like it'd be a massive hassle.

Wait. WHAT ABOUT A PLANE? I WONDER HOW MUCH DOMESTIC FLIGHTS COST!

Edit: OR A BUS!

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Yeah! A bus maybe! You'll figure it out! I went to Copenhagen to see her once and found a really cheap place to stay. 15 girls in the same room but they were all sleeping when I got there and I left before they woke up. If your parents are ok with something like that it doesn't have to get too expensive Smiler

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Oy, so i'm supposed to be avoiding english like the plague as far as speaking, but i really need to get this out, and i'm not comfortable calling someone on the phone during the week, so i hope you guys don't mind if i unload here. Frowner

I am having a serious attitude crash. I can't seem to get higher than a 4, or an 85% on my tests and assignments, no matter how hard i work, and i don't really fit in with anyone here. I think i'm getting a bit depressed, and can't seem to shake the feeling that no one wants to be bothered with me.. which basically means i'm going to class, eating, working, and sleeping and doing nothing actually social. I ran into a guy from my college today, and we had a slightly awkward conversation, then he basically got up and left right in the middle of it.. I don't know. I guess i'm feeling kind of down on myself, and it's making my life way harder than it needs to be.

This is a wee rant indeed, but i'm having trouble pulling myself out of this slump. My homework is insanely intense for the next 2 days, and then we get a break where we won't work over the weekend which will be a huge load off and i'm grateful for the break. But at the same time, I am worried that people are only being nice to me to be polite, rather than actually enjoying my company. I can't figure out whether to trust my instincts and just stay away so i don't bother anyone, or just stick it out. The problem is, if my suspicions are right, then sticking around is just opening myself up to the criticism i hear them making about others: "this person is so weird, can't they take a hint, why do they keep coming around," and so on. I really hate the idea that people are talking about me, but things are so different here than places i'm used to (a.k.a. the midwest..) people are so much more straightforward and forgiving at my school and in the city where i grew up. But people are much more subtle, and in my opinion, two-faced in this program. They're very polite and engaging with people to their faces, and then talk meanly about them behind their backs--and my dad told me about gossips: "if they'll say it to you about someone else, then they'll say it about you when you're not around."

Uggh! I know i probably sound like i'm in the 5th grade--sorry about that. I'm just irritated and i feel like crap. Red Face

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Brianna Frowner I'm sorry that you're not feeling happy. I want you to be happy and good and not having to worry about two-faced people.

I really don't know what to say to make it better either. I don't think staying away so that you won't bother anyone will make things better. I think that would make you feel very lonely. On the other hand I think gossiping can only lead to bad stuff. When people start talking about others in a negative way without it having a purpose (that could be like, "I wish I could talk to her about this. What do you think? Have you felt it too?") I often ask them to stop it or I just leave. It's not good falling into that behavior. But it can be a cultural thing, even from school to school. Some people don't reflect about it. It's just the way people talk.

But. You can not know if they're talking about you. Here you have to guess. It's a question of trust really. And if you think they are, they are not very nice and should not be allowed to hang out with someone as awesome as you! I really mean that. And...just stick up for yourself. Trust your instincts but don't diminish yourself because of someone else. You have the right to be there without anyone saying mean stuff behind your back. If they do, it's not you who are the problem. It's them.

I hope you find someone who you can connect with. Of course it's hard to make friends when you're stressing about your grades. I wish you'll find someone who feels the same way so you have someone to talk to about it.

This is a long post for someone who didn't know what to say.

To sum up: I think you're cool. Don't hang out with people that make you feel insecure and that you don't trust. Give them a fair amount of chances to change how you feel about them, but then make a decision. Don't make yourself something you're not to fit in. If you feel that you want to fit in with someone, don't stay away from everyone. Then nothing will change. This is just me giving advice. I hope things will get better.

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