Em Mitchell

Wee Rants

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Did things end up working out with your friend, Raph?

Yeah, I did eventually hear from him! He couldn't go, though, which he seemed bummed about. I'm just glad I heard from him in the end.

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I don't know whether this belongs in wee rants or major rants because it really isn't a rant at all but the 'stix has always been a really supportive and lovely place to me. Those who have been here long enough have seen me around and may have seen my posts pertaining to the beginning of my relationship four years ago.

I'm beginning to have some serious doubts. I'm 19 and don't know who I am or what I want. There are a lot of problems between us that have been sitting untreated for years and I don't know how to deal with them. There's also a lot of good. We live together. We have stuff. I'm scared. The question of us lasting has never really been an issue, but now I'm not sure if I want to stay; if I can stay, if it would be healthy for me to stay. Before Christmas I was starting to worry that our next fight might be our last. Then we had a fight, then a discussion, decided it was an overreaction and to "work on it". That should have resolved it, we should be doing better, and in truth there is no Big Thing right now, no cause for a fight of any sort of magnitude. I just feel done. And I'm still worried that the next fight will be our last.

I got really drunk last night and poured my heart out to a couple good friends. They gave me some very good advice and support and I thought I had made some decisions. Then I came home, and now I don't know what to do at all.

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I put my text books from last semester up for sale hoping to make back a small fraction of the money I spent on them. My university switched to "the newest editions" for books this semester and now no one needs my books. Some books I don't mind keeping but what am I going to do with a statistics lab book? :(

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So my voice is pretty much gone. It was in a horrible state last week. Cold with fever and so on. Then I thought it was getting better, but on Friday I woke up with like the croup or something. It was really hard to breathe and everytime I tried to inhale my throat would make a disturbing sound, and exhaling was just as hard. A cough and sore throat added to that. I could still talk and I was not in panic but it was very uncomfortable. Thing is that the very same day me and the à capella group I'm singing in were supposed to go to my hometown to perform a concert the night after. And...well we couldn't cancel and didn't want to. So we went. And the concert was performed and I pushed through. And it's not that obvious when you listen to the recording. There's six of us. It went ok, regarding. But well. I pushed hard and now I'm paying the prize. Concert Thursday cancelled. We had to cancel one last week too. I'm just bummed. It' so boring to not talk to people. I can talk, but I get hoarse/raspy (what's the word?) very quickly. I just feel like a boring person all the time because I can't say anything interesting. It takes years for people to understand me when I'm gesticulating. And I'm afraid I might've ruined my voice for a long time ahead.

This weekend Fri-Sun I've got a job. Concerning music. Leader at a camp for young people with disabilities and I'm in charge of piano and singing. I was so grateful for this opportunity, and now I just feel pressured. And my boyfriend turns 25 on Saturday and I'm not there.

Argh. All this could be "good news", you know. Well a lot of it. "Hey! I got a job for the weekend!" "Hey! I got someone else to sing some of my parts at the concert on Thursday!" "Hey! I managed to complete the concert last weekend!" "Hey! You can celebrate you boyfriend three days late!"heyheyhey. I'm just not a positive person. As I see it I don't get to sing. I can't perform as well as I'm able to this weekend. I'm not allowed to talk. Maybe I can't even talk properly while on the job and no one will understand me. And if I try I might ruin my voice more. I can't be there on my boyfriend's birthday. I'm tired. So tired.

// end rant

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I am so sorry about your dear hen. Life can be quite cruel sometimes. Hope you are doing okay.

wee rant of my own: I think I have bronchitis and I have to give a presentation tomorrow. I am already terrified as it is and now I can't even talk without coughing a lot :(

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Oh. Don't be sorry. I shouldn't have named her marry ann, she was predisposed to have a tragic life.

I hope everything goes well with your presentation! I don't know if thyme is common where you live (you can find thyme everywhere in the south of france) but it's a powerful antiseptic. Everytime I think I have bronchitis I make thyme tea with honey and lemon. I hate the taste but it's very efficient.

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My presentation got postponed until Monday because we had a "snow storm" and school was cancelled. I went to the doctors and instead of having bronchitis, I found out I have been having asthma attacks. Now I have to give my presentation still and have midterm exams all next week. :(

Thanks for the thyme recommendation! I have some thyme that used to grow in my garden so I am definitely going to have to try that!

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