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The thread of spontaneity.

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I love spontaneous threads xD

next monday I will be performing Ave Maria, The Flowers and 2.99 Cent Blues at the music conservatory where I study... YAYY I'M SOO EXCITEDD!!! Razzer

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so, i'm supposed to be writing a rough draft of a big econ paper, but pretty much had no drive to do so. So, in order to get the juices flowin', i started writing stuff. Here's what i came up with.. it's pretty long, but i guess it'll mostly be of interrest to any other student who feels they lack in the discipline/time management/surviving school department(s)..

i did minimal editing, but i think you'll be able to follow along okay. Wink

Taking the plunge-School as a Deathly Chilling Pool

I stand at the top of the cement stairs, trailing my toe around on the surface. It's foggy, but I can hear gossip, hook-ups, and lots of giggling. Someone somewhere yells out in frustration. My friends approach me at times. I cannot tell if they've entered the pool, or just been running around its edge. Sunbathing on the grass in long, low beach chairs, in the ridiculously available sunshine (or at least i've heard it's readily available)? Soon, they go about their business, muttering something about “homework” or “class”. I've got some of that, don't I?

I look into the pool once again. It ripples. The ripples swell, until they become small, clear waves. They splash my ankle, and I begin to pull away. Why does this have to be so hard? Isn't there a heater around here somewhere? I look around for the sun. It is nowhere to be found. Just me standing on this foggy precipice, chilly, in a bathing suit. I can feel hot glares on the back of my neck. "Why is she wearing that if she's going to spend all her time staring at the pool? She might as well go home and play in her bathtub..." Are they right? Well, of course; it's awfully expensive to be at this pool. No, to be a /member of/ this pool.

I try to picture myself entering this seemingly terrible water. What will I miss during the initial shock? Will it take me out; finish me? How will I be? The same? Different? Older? Sadder?

Is this really necessary?

The glares subside, and I imagine a heat lamp. Scalding hot; where to hold it? For the moment, I take it to my foot. With a sharp inhalation, I shove my foot against the top of the water. My muscles tighten. And stay tight. I want to remove my foot, but there is a strange relief holding it to ice after the nauseating, jittery feeling from that heat lamp.

I turn in the assignment.

More glares.

More jitters.

More unanswerable questions.

Why am I here? Where will I be without it? /Who/ will I be without it? I despise the rules and structures that require such discomfort and change.

I try to picture myself entering the water again. Yes, I will miss much. I will probably be different. I may even be sadder.

It's so cold-i remember the time I stepped in past my ankles, past my calves, past even my knees. But before the engulfing, numb, harsh sensation could reach my hips, I hoisted myself out of the water, out of the pool, away from its edge.

I remember the discomfort of leaving the water. Was it psychological-was I uncomfortable with failing at this first attempt at submersion? Was it physical-had my body been preparing itself for a continued descent, only to be rudely interrupted by my internal weakness?

I ponder as I feel the cold, moist, biting breeze pick up speed. The heavy fog shuffles along a bit, and I think I can make out figures jumping into the pool.

I hear there are many who have made this plunge. Most had been practicing, jumping into water warmer than this, some even accustomed to colder (Bless their souls!). But i've come from a hot tub; a sauna, and submersion is taking up most of my mental energy. Maybe others can get by while they chase each other around the pool; survive as they eat junk food and drink beer and throw parties.

I know what it will take. I have never done anything like this before, and, while I don't shake, I am torn. I stand here, and should have untorn myself long ago, before deciding to “go swimming”, certainly after. And most definitely before this moment. Even as I contemplate this, submersion is necessary, and I know that I need to get in at least as far as my waist, if not my shoulders, or, dare I say, my head.

I have trouble imagining myself underwater. Is that something that I can do? For how long? Is it really so easy to sustain yourself?

I know the answer is a complicated yes.

Yes, it's possible.

Yes, it's necessary.

Yes, it's easier than what i'm putting myself through right this very moment.

No, it won't be an easy choice to make, or to stick with, or even to physically follow through with.

What else is there?

Have I already wasted too much time?

Will I jump, only to be disappointed when the anticipated swim break is called (“everyone out of the pool for at least ten minutes”)?

How do I do this? Can I lower myself like I tried before, only this time making up my mind that I will not give up? Do I have that sort of willpower?

Can I leap off of this edge, clutching my nose with my fingers, squeezing my eyes shut? Do I have that sort of nerve?

Can I do this on my own? Am I able to put my own head under this water? From what I understand, it's strictly against pool rules to push another swimmer under. Darn.

So if i'm going to do this, it's going to be me who's doing it. No one else.

I don't want to.

I absolutely have to.

I say a prayer, breathe in, shut my eyes, and take a good listen to everything that i'm leaving behind.

My anxious thoughts:

-When's the next test?

-Can I get a good grade based on what i've done so far?

-Am I the only one who.. this, that or the other?

Late nights spent doing nothing productive.

Cartoons, message boards, user-made online videos. Questionable homework.

Last-minute everything.

A messy room.

A roommate staying up until 4 am with a 9:30 class.

I imagine my new surroundings, once I enter the pool.

Early mornings.

Missed parties.

Waking before the alarm clock, being relieved when it's time to shower and sleep.

Peace.

Health.

Success.

Hard work-

Back up- success?

What am I waiting for?

So. Where was I standing before I closed my eyes? If I open them to check, i'll lose my nerve. So I just start walking.

I am drenched with unbearable, jolting, overwhelming frigid. Then I realize something: i'm alive. Thinking.

Task one: do tomorrow's work.

Task two: sleep.

Task three: come up with a comprehensive list of tasks that will cause me to regain sanity and mental equilibrium.

The overarching theme: I can now learn to be happy here.

if you've read this whole thing, you're my hero haha hope someone can relate to it.

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quote:
Originally posted by Be like the water, people.:

oooo!!!! can you record it?

please say you can record it! that would be awesome!

well, either way, good luck! Tear it up-none of those is a picnic to sing by any standard! you must be very talented! Wink

The performance was delayed until next monday!

and yes, I will ask someone to record it, don't worry haha Razzer

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