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IDontCare

She's the only thing keeping me sane right now...

11 posts in this topic

Growing up, I never thought myself to be the kind of person to ever touch a cigarette. I was always taught that they are dirty, poisonous, death-sticks, and that if I ever touched one I'd be disgracing my family, my up-bringing, and myself.

And yet I still somehow ended up smoking them.

I remember very clearly thinking to myself, "If x, y, and z can all smoke, why can't I?" So even though that first cigarette tasted like a garbage can in my mouth, I puffed my way through it. And then another, and another, and another... Now I spend probably close to $350 a month on cigarettes. I can't function without smoking a full pack each day, from the minute I wake up until right before I fall asleep.

So my decision to suddenly deprive my body cold-turkey of those 20 dirty little cancer sticks isn't exactly going over well inside my head...

I never thought withdrawal would suck this badly. The last time I tried to quit (was successful for a month, then had a drunk cigarette and got hooked again...), it didn't seem that bad at all. I had some cravings the first few days, but nothing major... no real emotional issues, no real physical issues... just a quiet and ignorable nagging. But this time... I can't even describe it. I just want to cry for all the stupidest reasons, sometimes even no reason at all. All I can think about is smoking another cigarette to make these horrible feelings stop... I just keep thinking about all the bad things in life. It's like every single thing that's ever gone wrong in my life has come back to haunt my mind at once... And I know that if I just took a 5 minute walk to the convenience store, I could easily make myself feel better. Just one little cigarette, and all these problems would go away for a little while longer...

But I can't do that. I don't want to smoke anymore. I don't want to end up with cancer, lying in a hospital bed breathing through some tube in my throat, wondering why I kept smoking even when everyone around me told me to stop. I don't want to die because of something so stupid.

It's literally an all-encompassing depression. I just can't feel happy, no matter how hard I try.

... So thank god for Regina.

I swear, without her I would have given up on quitting less than an hour after I made the decision. Her music has been keeping me sane, keeping me distracted from that all-encompassing need to smoke. I've thought so many times about just bumming one from a friend, or going to buy a new pack... but each time I hear her voice come through my headphones, it's just that slight little boost that I need that helps to remind me of why I'm quitting, and how everything will be ok in the end.

I've had the Morgan Page remix of Fidelity playing for the last two hours on repeat... It's almost like her lyrics suddenly take a whole new meaning in my mind under these circumstances. "Suppose I never ever met you, suppose we never fell in love... suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft..." It's almost like she's singing my life back to me... Suppose I'd never tried that first smoke? Suppose I'd never become addicted, and let cigarettes comfort me in times when I could have just as easily vented a little bit to a friend... "I hear in my mind, all these voices, all these words... And it breaks my heart." These lyrics sum up the way I feel right now... My head is just so filled with all these horrible thoughts and feelings, it's tearing me apart.

But most important for me has been Dulce et Decorum... "It's hard to live, it's hard to live, it's harder than it's ever been before. The things that used to comfort me don't comfort me, not anymore..."

It's almost like her songs serve to remind me of why I'm quitting, why I have to maintain my conviction to quit, and why I can never go back...

So here I am, right in the middle of my second day of quitting... Apparently the day depression is most commonly reported to be at its highest. My jaw is tense, my teeth are grinding, my stomach's in knots, and all I can think about is how many easier paths I could be taking right now... But as long as I can still have her music in my life, I think I'll get through it. Every day will eventually come to an end, and I will eventually get past these feelings of hopelessness and addiction.

But until then... Regina, you're literally a life-saver. Because you might be saving me from an early, painful death as a result a disgusting habit that I should have never picked up to begin with.

So thanks Regina... without you I'd probably be standing outside in the freezing cold night right now, probably having my 17th cigarette of the day... And even though the symptoms suck right now, I know they'll be gone in a few days. And once they're gone, life will be thousands of times better than even when I had my precious little cigarettes.

The one most important thing I have to remember?

Maybe now I won't get lung cancer and die before I have a chance to finally see her in concert...

So thanks Regina... Sometimes even the hero of his own story needs to be saved... And I'm pretty sure no one could do a better job of saving me than you. <3

*EDIT* : Sorry this is so long and random and ranty... I don't really even expect anyone to bother reading through the whole thing... It's really just the act of getting my feelings written down somewhere that's helping me feel better. You don't even honestly need to give this thread a second of your time. I just needed to write it all out... you know?

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Growing up, I never thought myself to be the kind of person to ever touch a cigarette. I was always taught that they are dirty, poisonous, death-sticks, and that if I ever touched one I'd be disgracing my family, my up-bringing, and myself.

And yet I still somehow ended up smoking them.

I remember very clearly thinking to myself, "If x, y, and z can all smoke, why can't I?" So even though that first cigarette tasted like a garbage can in my mouth, I puffed my way through it. And then another, and another, and another... Now I spend probably close to $350 a month on cigarettes. I can't function without smoking a full pack each day, from the minute I wake up until right before I fall asleep.

So my decision to suddenly deprive my body cold-turkey of those 20 dirty little cancer sticks isn't exactly going over well inside my head...

I never thought withdrawal would suck this badly. The last time I tried to quit (was successful for a month, then had a drunk cigarette and got hooked again...), it didn't seem that bad at all. I had some cravings the first few days, but nothing major... no real emotional issues, no real physical issues... just a quiet and ignorable nagging. But this time... I can't even describe it. I just want to cry for all the stupidest reasons, sometimes even no reason at all. All I can think about is smoking another cigarette to make these horrible feelings stop... I just keep thinking about all the bad things in life. It's like every single thing that's ever gone wrong in my life has come back to haunt my mind at once... And I know that if I just took a 5 minute walk to the convenience store, I could easily make myself feel better. Just one little cigarette, and all these problems would go away for a little while longer...

But I can't do that. I don't want to smoke anymore. I don't want to end up with cancer, lying in a hospital bed breathing through some tube in my throat, wondering why I kept smoking even when everyone around me told me to stop. I don't want to die because of something so stupid.

It's literally an all-encompassing depression. I just can't feel happy, no matter how hard I try.

... So thank god for Regina.

I swear, without her I would have given up on quitting less than an hour after I made the decision. Her music has been keeping me sane, keeping me distracted from that all-encompassing need to smoke. I've thought so many times about just bumming one from a friend, or going to buy a new pack... but each time I hear her voice come through my headphones, it's just that slight little boost that I need that helps to remind me of why I'm quitting, and how everything will be ok in the end.

I've had the Morgan Page remix of Fidelity playing for the last two hours on repeat... It's almost like her lyrics suddenly take a whole new meaning in my mind under these circumstances. "Suppose I never ever met you, suppose we never fell in love... suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft..." It's almost like she's singing my life back to me... Suppose I'd never tried that first smoke? Suppose I'd never become addicted, and let cigarettes comfort me in times when I could have just as easily vented a little bit to a friend... "I hear in my mind, all these voices, all these words... And it breaks my heart." These lyrics sum up the way I feel right now... My head is just so filled with all these horrible thoughts and feelings, it's tearing me apart.

But most important for me has been Dulce et Decorum... "It's hard to live, it's hard to live, it's harder than it's ever been before. The things that used to comfort me don't comfort me, not anymore..."

It's almost like her songs serve to remind me of why I'm quitting, why I have to maintain my conviction to quit, and why I can never go back...

So here I am, right in the middle of my second day of quitting... Apparently the day depression is most commonly reported to be at its highest. My jaw is tense, my teeth are grinding, my stomach's in knots, and all I can think about is how many easier paths I could be taking right now... But as long as I can still have her music in my life, I think I'll get through it. Every day will eventually come to an end, and I will eventually get past these feelings of hopelessness and addiction.

But until then... Regina, you're literally a life-saver. Because you might be saving me from an early, painful death as a result a disgusting habit that I should have never picked up to begin with.

So thanks Regina... without you I'd probably be standing outside in the freezing cold night right now, probably having my 17th cigarette of the day... And even though the symptoms suck right now, I know they'll be gone in a few days. And once they're gone, life will be thousands of times better than even when I had my precious little cigarettes.

The one most important thing I have to remember?

Maybe now I won't get lung cancer and die before I have a chance to finally see her in concert...

So thanks Regina... Sometimes even the hero of his own story needs to be saved... And I'm pretty sure no one could do a better job of saving me than you. <3

*EDIT* : Sorry this is so long and random and ranty... I don't really even expect anyone to bother reading through the whole thing... It's really just the act of getting my feelings written down somewhere that's helping me feel better. You don't even honestly need to give this thread a second of your time. I just needed to write it all out... you know?

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If you don't mind me asking, how'd you first start? I have a few friends who used to smoke underage and it annoyed me more than them doing drugs.

I think it's great that Regina inspires you to be better - I feel the same way myself. "You thought by now, you'd be so much better than you are. You thought by now, they'd see that you have come so far." I'm so glad you've decided to quit. Quite simply, you're too wonderful to die. Keep strong. I have faith in you. :^)

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Hey, I read your whole post and I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I know it's hard, but you can do it. I KNOW it.

1,5 years ago I had a horrible breakup. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything. I was a dead body which managed to go to school and make myself smiling to people to show I was okay, which was a total lie. Thank God I discovered Regina at that time. I discovered her exactly in the moment when I was going through all that. And it couldn't be better. Her music distracted me from anything else, from the thoughts about him and gave me a new meaning of my life. I changed a lot. Her music changed me a lot. And when everything got to a routine and normal life, I realized how lucky I am that I got to know Regina and her music. I can totally say that she saved my life. I literally don't know what I would do without her. She always helps me in hard times. Because her music heals, inspires and makes you to feel this beautiful life in the fullest way.

IDonCare, if you want to talk, just let me know. my e-mail is homyak_basket@mail.ru Chatting thing became so easy now thanks to the digital world and technologies. I hope you feel better. I know you are strong. Struggle and I know you will win.

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Wow IDontCare, I applaud you to the max. I can't even presume to know what kicking an addiction's butt is like, but as Winston Chruchill said- "If you're going through hell, keep going." As you pointed out, your lungs will thank you, and so will your gums (gotta get the perspective of a dentist!). Remember, Regina quit smoking and so did at least one of our own brumstix already. Keep listening to reg, she is the best. You've come so far.

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Thanks a million for all the wonderful replies. <3

I'm actually feeling 100x better today... It was really just those first two days that really kicked my butt. But now all the nicotine has been flushed from my system, and though the cravings are still there, there's no longer that massive depression that was accompanying them anymore. It's still there to a certain extent I suppose? But with each minute it gets better and better. Smiler

I guess I was really just surprised by how difficult it was to quit this time, versus the last time I attempted quitting. Last time I barely even had to think about it...

But seriously. Thank GOD for Regina! I literally spent 6 (!!!!!!!) non-stop at a piano yesterday. I went through my iPod and played just about every single song that is playable on the keyboard (and a few that aren't...), and it was the first time that I felt completely distracted from the addiction. I felt GOOD for the first time. It was amazing.

Lennonist: I started because a few of my friends smoke, and seeing as how I DO smoke "other things," I thought to myself, "Well, if they like smoking them, maybe I'll just try one and see what the fuss is all about?" And it was gross. But I kept on trying them. It went from me bumming a few drags off a friend's butt each day to me bumming a full cig, to me buying my own packs... And at first I really only did it because I thought it looked cool. So disgusting though... It's such a worthless habit. It doesn't make you feel good... that "nicotine buzz" that you get the first couple of times you smoke is actually really nice, but that disappears within a day or two of starting smoking... after that smoking just becomes a part of life. Not because it's fun, but because it just... sucks you in, I guess.

Ксения: I can totally sympathize with that. Regina actually helped me through a break-up that I went through... still not entirely over it, but at least I'm not actively thinking about it anymore. Regina really is the ultimate distraction (from everything... work included!).

And dentistgirl: <3 to you and <3 to Winston Churchill for all his witty little sayings. Smiler I was actually trying to imagine what it must have been like for Regina to quit... I wonder how hooked she was, and how she went about quitting? It's just so hard to picture someone as perfect as her going through something as imperfect as cigarette withdrawal... But I guess it's the imperfections that make her so goddamn interesting! Ahhhhhhhhh I <33333333333333 herrrrrrrrr!!!

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Congratulations---I've been clean for about ten months myself; after having smoked pretty much continuously for about fourteen years prior to that, though, I'm not about to declare victory just yet. Your experience may differ, of course, but, if anything, it's actually gotten a little harder for me over time...I think, like everything else, it's simply a choice you make, and then have to keep making--consciously, continually--until it's second nature (or maybe forever). Hopefully you'll have an easier time of it--good luck!

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1 week, 3 days clean. And I already feel worlds better... More energy, less stress and anxiety, and my lungs are already clearing out. It's absolutely fantastic!

Haven't broken yet... just gotta stay away from alcohol for a little longer too, cuz the infamous "drunk cigarette" might be a bit too much for me to handle.

But seriously. She saved me. I just... I don't even know. I don't know how I would have done it. She made everything ok... her music is almost like mom giving a kiss and saying it'll all get better... yeah it doesn't help the physical issues you're going through, but the feelings behind it are what matter, those are the things that help you through.

I really can't believe how amazing she is.

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IDontCare it is so great that you quit smoking! Big Grin I loved your post and thank you so much for sharing your experience....Regina's music is so inspiring and touching. It has the ability to move and motivate a person immensely. I too have been inspired by Regina. One example is that she got me into playing piano and that is something I am extremely grateful for. Congratulations on quitting and I loved your post! Smiler

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